The Best of Intentions
by sophiedoodle
Summary: What if Chakotay had taken things into his own hands during the Equinox situation? Now complete!
1. Chapter 1

The Best of Intentions

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. are owned by Paramount.

_Author's Note: This story is dedicated to the wonderful mab13j. Just something to chew on…_

Chakotay lay completely still on his bed, his arms raised, his hands cradling his head against the pillow. The lights were off, and the vague sprinkling of warp-driven stars cast only flickers of illumination across his face. He heard the sound of his own breathing, felt the rhythm of his heart beating, and hated every thought that flashed through his mind.

He had never felt so helpless in his life. Hands tied.

He vaguely heard the door chime of his quarters but made no move to answer it. Then there was the distinct whooshing sound of someone entering, purposeful footsteps approaching his bedroom. Chakotay half sat up, momentarily disoriented. Who would be visiting him? Obviously only someone with authorized access codes. Kathryn? He doubted it.

"Commander Chakotay," a voice intoned from the doorway. Tuvok. The Chief of Security stood, vaguely outlined by a sudden soft light from the other room yet seemingly eclipsed by the darkness before him. He stood ramrod straight, his hands clasped in front of him, chin poised, eyes forward.

"Tuvok," Chakotay said, a sinking feeling burrowing in his stomach. He dragged himself from the bed, his wary eyes never leaving Tuvok's composed face. "Can I do something for you?"

Tuvok observed him for a moment, then tilted his head slightly as he spoke. "I would like to speak with you." His dark eyes were lake-calm as usual, but Chakotay detected a sense of unease inexplicably trickling from the Vulcan.

"So, what's going on? Are you here to escort me to the brig?" He tried to keep his tone casual, but his heart was starting to thud. Tuvok merely regarded him impassively.

"I was not sent here by Captain Janeway." At Tuvok's non-answer, Chakotay fought the sudden urge to strangle the Vulcan. Where was the logic in prolonging this uncomfortable conversation? Chakotay sighed.

"Well, then, why _are_ you here, Tuvok?" Chakotay fought to keep the irritation from his voice.

"May I?" Tuvok asked, gesturing to a chair. Chakotay nodded and slumped back down on the edge of the bed, his elbows resting on his thighs.

"Commander, I would like to discuss the current…_situation_…regarding the Equinox." Tuvok spoke calmly. "I believe that Captain Janeway has lost her objectivity in this matter."

_And there it was yet again_, Chakotay thought wryly_. The Vulcan penchant for colossal understatement._

"What's your point, Tuvok?" he responded bitterly, and Tuvok raised an eyebrow.

"My _point_, Commander," the Vulcan continued, "is that the captain's decisions are becomingly increasingly irrational. Not only is she blatantly disregarding the dictates of Starfleet, she is also placing the crew of this ship at considerable risk to satisfy her need for revenge."

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up," Chakotay said dryly. Tuvok was undeterred by his sarcasm.

"She spoke with the Ankari today and agreed to turn over the Equinox and its crew to the nucleogenic aliens." Chakotay felt his stomach constrict at Tuvok's words.

"She…what?" he gasped. He had so fervently hoped that the fiasco with Noah Lessing would turn out to be the worst of it, the high—or low—point of Kathryn's defection.

But apparently, it wasn't.

"When I attempted to intervene, she threatened to confine me to quarters."

"Join the club," Chakotay muttered.

"As a matter of fact, that is precisely what she suggested," Tuvok said, and Chakotay could swear there was a lurking glint of dark humor in the Vulcan's eyes. Chakotay sighed again, rubbing his hands over his face. Silence returned to haunt the room, unbroken by Tuvok who was content to remain quiet while Chakotay considered all of the options.

Finally, he raised his head and contemplated the security officer. It was rare that the two of them were willing allies for anything. Although mutual respect had been forged between them, friendship remained an elusive and unsought after concept. But right now, they had no one to trust _but_ each other.

_Ironic_, Chakotay thought. _Her two best friends plotting against her_. The thought seared across his heart, and he swallowed hard.

"Commander," Tuvok said softly. He had slightly shifted his stance in Chakotay's direction, obviously noting his discomfort.

"Then we have no other choice," Chakotay said. The words rang in his head, echoed across the room and perhaps across the universe, words that were so similar, yet so different, from those that Kathryn had spoken to him.

_Then you leave me no choice._

_But he _did _have a choice_, he reminded himself. _They all did. Including Kathryn._

_And Ransom_.

Chakotay pushed his fingers roughly through his hair, feeling his eyes darken, knowing the pain that must be projecting across his face.

"Then we need to make a choice," he amended softly. "Do we let her continue down this path? Or do we move in and stop her?"

"Commander, the decision is yours." Somehow, Tuvok's words stung. Perhaps Chakotay should have felt relieved or even pleased that Tuvok was willing to yield authority to him, especially when there was no command structure to justify the decision at the moment. But he merely felt the bite of responsibility, the weight of what he was about to give up—no matter what choice he ultimately made.

"I would value your input," he managed to say through clenched teeth.

"I believe the probable ramifications of her decisions make the choice clear," Tuvok said. "She is willing to commit murder just to right a wrong. Her logic is thoroughly unsound." Chakotay felt his hand slam onto his knee.

"This isn't about logic, Tuvok!" he hissed. "And I can't only look at the short term effects of this. There's more than just the here and now. When this is all over, I need to be able to live with myself. I need to be able to live with _her_. This isn't about taking away everything she's worked so hard for, everything she's sacrificed for all of us. This is about fixing this situation with Ransom and the Ankari. That's as far as I'm willing to go. I don't want to be captain of this ship, Tuvok. That's her job, and I won't take it from her."

"Commander," Tuvok said, and his voice projected patience above a thinly veiled layer of something else—disgust? contempt? pity? "I believe you are allowing your personal relationship with Captain Janeway to influence your command decisions."

"Tuvok," Chakotay growled.

"However," he continued, unperturbed, "safeguarding the lives of this crew and those from the Equinox is paramount. We must protect them."

"And perhaps we need to protect her," Chakotay said very softly. "From herself."

"Perhaps," Tuvok agreed, to Chakotay's surprise. "But that should not be our first priority."

"And when it's all over? What then?" he asked despondently. Tuvok didn't answer immediately, but Chakotay clearly discerned the flicker of doubt cross the Vulcan's serene face, and it made him sick to his stomach. He buried his face in his hands for a long moment, breathing heavily, feeling hot tears threaten.

"Commander," Tuvok said quietly.

Chakotay drew a final shuddering breath and raised his head to look directly, resolutely, at the man standing in front of him.

"Let's do this," he said, the rawness in his voice in stark contrast to the fierce determination that spurred his gait as he quickly stood and strode out of his quarters, Tuvok close behind.

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

The Best of Intentions

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. are owned by Paramount.

Chapter Two

When Chakotay entered the briefing room, there was dead silence. He paused for a moment in the threshold, glancing at Tuvok behind him, then strode over to the conference table and seated himself at the head.

"Commander?" Harry asked, his voice cracking slightly. "I thought…" He trailed off, looking intensely uncomfortable as he shifted in his seat and tried to avoid Chakotay's eyes. Tom, however, was not so reticent. He was up and standing before anyone could even react.

"Care to tell me what's going on here, Chakotay?" he demanded. "Where's Captain Janeway? And why do I have a feeling she has no idea this little _meeting_ is occurring?"

"Sit down, Tom," Chakotay said quietly.

"If I remember correctly, _you_ currently have no authority to give me orders," Tom spat back. He shoved the chair from behind him, obviously intending to head for the doors. Instantly, Tuvok was blocking his path of egress, his eyes like flint, his posture formidable.

"I, however, do," he said simply. "Please be seated, Lieutenant Paris." Tom locked eyes with the Vulcan for several nearly tangible seconds before backing away and returning to his chair beside B'Elanna with a thump. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back, his eyes burning with indignation.

"Commander, if I may," Neelix said, his head bobbing nervously. "I don't...I don't mean to question your intentions, but-"

"Neelix," B'Elanna interjected sharply. "Let's just listen to what Chakotay has to say." Her voice was strong, almost strident, but her eyes were narrowed by an instinctive wariness.

Chakotay sighed heavily and leaned forward with his elbows resting on the table. He studied the circle of remaining senior officers and tiredly rubbed a hand across his face. His eyes met Tuvok's for an instant, and the Vulcan nodded.

"I don't know how many of you are aware of the events that occurred with Noah Lessing," he began, his tone careful. Silence, but out of the corner of his eye, Chakotay could see Harry stiffen almost imperceptibly. Harry had been on the bridge, he realized, and had heard the terse exchange between Kathryn and Tuvok about the shields failing in Section 29 Alpha.

"Captain Janeway…questioned…Noah Lessing about the tactical status of the Equinox. When he refused to tell her…" Chakotay paused, everything in him rebelling at this final betrayal of Kathryn. He stared almost unseeingly at the faces gathered around him, faces that had gone from doubtful to uneasy. It seemed they knew what he was about to say. Chakotay swallowed hard then continued. "She dropped the shields." There was a collective yet silent almost-gasp from the assembled officers, an internal wince that was evident in their eyes. Chakotay dropped his head.

"She refused to listen to me," he half-whispered. "And so I had to save him. Interspatial fissures had already begun to open in the room. I went in and grabbed him. And then made him tell me about the Ankari. After the staff meeting, when I confronted her about it, she…relieved me of duty." He bit back the words that wanted to spill forth regarding that particular encounter. They were irrelevant to the conversation at hand. And they hurt like hell.

An ocean of silence crashed upon the room, its trickling fingers touching each one of them as they meandered through their own thoughts. Eyes met then flickered away. Mouths opened then shut again. The air was rife with disillusionment, and perhaps even a touch of fear, and Chakotay thought he would be sick.

It was Neelix who spoke first. "Commander," he said quietly. "What are you proposing we do? The danger seems to have passed for the moment." Five sets of eyes zeroed in on him and clung with whatever remaining hope they had for an impasse.

"There is more," Tuvok said bluntly, and the last bit of optimism shattered. Shoulders slumped all around, and strained faces turned his way, preparing for the axe to fall yet again. Chakotay nodded at the Vulcan, yielding the floor to him. It was, after all, Tuvok's story to tell.

"I was with Captain Janeway when she met with the Ankari today. We tried to explain to them that we are attempting to capture and incarcerate the Equinox crew. They did not seem placated by this notion. Moreover, they were angered by our refusal to assist them. So Captain Janeway agreed to their terms. She agreed to turn the Equinox and its crew over to them."

Harry Kim had come to Voyager abounding with fresh-faced enthusiasm. The last five years had done much to ravage that naiveté, and an older, more mature man now sat at the conference table with the senior staff. And yet, it wasn't until that moment, the precise instant the final word passed Tuvok's lips, that Chakotay truly saw the last vestiges of Harry's innocence buried beneath the weight of what had become their burdens in the Delta Quadrant.

Chakotay stood and began pacing the length of the room, suddenly unable to even meet their eyes. He felt like he had destroyed them all, and it was only with effort that he reminded himself who was really to blame.

"We have to do something! We can't allow her to do that! The aliens would annihilate them!" It was B'Elanna's voice, and a touch of her old Maquis belligerence was evident. Chakotay fought down a wry smile. He stood at the panoramic viewport, his back to all of them, his eyes fixated on the blurring stars before him.

"Precisely. Protecting the crew of Equinox is of paramount importance," the Doctor chimed in. And then added hastily, "As well as our own crew." It was the first time he had spoken during the meeting, and several heads nodded at his assertions.

"I agree," Neelix spoke up. "If I've learned anything about Captain Janeway, it's how very much she values life and the individual. She may be blinded by her need for retribution right now, but I don't think she'd ever forgive us if we didn't do something about it. We owe it to her."

"He's right, Commander," Harry said, and as if the final verdict had thus been delivered, relief suddenly flooded the room, a welcome distraction in the sudden absence of the malaise that had settled upon them all. Chakotay turned back to face them, and the very ghost of a smile crossed his lips.

"I can't tell you how relieved I am that we're in agreement concerning this," he said softly. "This is not easy for me. I can't imagine it is for any of you either. And it may only get harder from here."

"Commander," Tuvok said. "I believe all of us have not yet voiced our opinions. Lieutenant Paris?"

The room was silent as all eyes were suddenly riveted to the top of Tom's blond head.

"Tom?" Chakotay said, forcing himself to speak in a firm tone. Tom reluctantly looked up and met the eyes of the First Officer.

"Chakotay," he said, his eyes pleading for understanding, "She's done everything for me. She gave me a second chance when no one else in the galaxy would. Everything I am right now I owe to her."

"Mr. Paris," Tuvok objected. "You are allowing your emotions to rule your decisions. You must think logically."

"That's easy for you to say, Tuvok," Tom said tightly.

"The Captain's behavior in the past is irrelevant to this discussion," Tuvok continued smoothly. "As is yours."

"Maybe to you it is! " Tom burst out, rising from his seat and standing with his arms crossed over his chest. He was breathing hard, and B'Elanna reached up to touch his arm. His voice softened.

"How…how can you ask me to do this?" The room was silent for a moment in the wake of his distress.

Surprisingly, it was Neelix who spoke next. "Tom," he said gently, with none of his usual exuberance, "our loyalty to Captain Janeway is not in question here. I'll be the first one to admit that she has made me into a better person than I ever have been. But what she's doing right now is wrong. We're trying to protect innocent lives. We're—" Neelix got no further as Tom's fist came crashing down on the conference table.

"Innocent lives?" he cried with a wild laugh. "The crew of the Equinox is _far_ from innocent."

"Tom," Chakotay interjected, "I believe what Neelix is trying to say is that—" Tuvok rose from his chair, interrupting him.

"Gentlemen," he said. "This discussion, while fraught with obvious idealism and passion, is beside the point. And we have very little time left, if we are going to put our plan into effect." Tom glared at the Vulcan for several uncomfortable seconds, then dropped heavily into his chair once again, refusing to meet the eyes of B'Elanna next to him.

"Plan?" Harry queried.

"Yes, Mr. Kim," Tuvok replied. "Commander Chakotay and I have devised a plan to relieve the Captain in such a manner that only the senior staff will be aware of the situation."

"I'm sure that Captain Janeway will notice," Tom muttered, loudly enough for the entire table to hear. Chakotay frowned at him but made no further comments.

"What will this plan entail? B'Elanna asked, leaning towards him.

Chakotay paused, took a deep breath, and then announced, "We're going to stage an alien attack."

Twenty minutes later, the details of the plan had been painstakingly hammered out and each participant knew his function. Harry and B'Elanna rushed off to main engineering to create the program that would simulate a shield failure, a sequence of commands that Harry would enter from his station at Ops. Tuvok assumed his normal station on the bridge after he and Chakotay had discussed the logistics of their roles. Neelix had left to prepare dinner, suddenly bubbling with enthusiasm about his latest incarnation of leola root casserole, a tactic undeniably gauged to distract himself from the reality of what they were about to do. At the moment, Neelix had little role to play in the proceedings; however, the shadowed look in his eyes clearly delineated the mixed feelings he had about what his role might entail in the future. The Doctor, whose primary responsibility it would be to keep the captain sedated in Sickbay, headed towards the turbolift doors, his usual smug smile in place, but then turned to look at Chakotay.

"Commander, if I may inquire, what _are_ your plans for the Equinox crew?" His voice was deliberately casual, but Chakotay sensed an underlying edginess that rather unnerved him. He felt as if the Doctor was comparing him to Captain Janeway—and finding him wanting. He shook off the thought, reminding himself that the Doctor's tendency towards acerbic remarks was merely a by-product of his personality subroutines.

"I don't know, Doctor," he admitted. "My first priority is to save them and somehow negotiate with the aliens to end these attacks. As for after that…" His voice trailed off. The Doctor studied him for a moment then nodded and exited silently.

And that left Tom Paris. As the others filed out, their steps quickened with adrenaline and an urge to flee from the guilt-infested room, Chakotay approached Tom, who remained seated at the conference table.

"Tom?" Chakotay said softly. "We may need you to help the Doctor 'take care' of the Captain down in Sickbay if things get…rough. Can you do that for us?" Tom sighed.

"What you're doing is wrong," he said tiredly, rubbing his hands across his face. "And I won't be a part of it." He stopped, obviously struggling with his emotions.

"But what the Captain is doing is also wrong," he continued in an almost-whisper, looking down at his clenched hands now balancing on the table in front of him. "So I won't stand in your way." The final words were exhaled in a rush, as if he couldn't expel them from his mouth quickly enough.

Chakotay stood, clapping his hand onto Tom's shoulder.

"I had hoped this would be a unanimous decision," he said gravely. "But I understand your feelings, Tom. In fact, I share them." He swallowed hard, his face reddening at Tom's sudden, intense gaze. "But I have to do what's right. In the end, that's more important than anything else."

"I'll do whatever I can to make sure that Captain Janeway doesn't get hurt." Tom's voice was flat. Chakotay nodded.

"Thanks, Tom," he said. "I'll hold you to that."

And without a backwards glance, Chakotay strode from the conference room, his broad shoulders held painfully erect, struggling against the weight that he now bore across them.

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

The Best of Intentions

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. are owned by Paramount.

Chapter Three

Chakotay pressed the door chime to the Ready Room, his sweaty hands clasped behind his back, his breathing far more ragged that he would have liked.

"Come in," she called, and he breathed out in relief, thankful she hadn't asked who it was. He stepped into her inner sanctum, wondering if it would be the last time he would face her across her desk, wondering what would be left of him—_of her_—when this was all over.

Her head was bent over a console, everything in her focused with fierce intensity on the screen in front of her, her fingers flying as she punched in commands. She didn't acknowledge that anyone had entered the room.

"Captain," he said finally, and she looked up.

It only took a split second for the realization to sink in, for the anger to explode in her eyes, and then she was suddenly standing, her fists clenched on the desktop before her.

"Would you care to explain to me exactly what you are doing here, Commander?" Her voice was so soft, so deadly, that Chakotay had to steel himself not to wince, not to look away, for if he lost the upper hand for even one glance, it would all be over.

"I'm here to relieve you of duty, Kathryn." There. He'd said it. The words were out, and there would be no way to rein them back in.

Her eyebrows raised, just a fraction of a centimeter, and that was all. She hit her commbadge as he had known she would.

"Mr. Tuvok, please report to my Ready Room immediately." Her voice was oddly calm, oddly matter-of-fact. Chakotay didn't move, didn't speak.

The doors to the Ready Room charged open, the stirred air raising goosebumps on the back of Chakotay's neck, and Tuvok strode in.

"Yes, Captain?" he queried.

Kathryn's gaze didn't waver for a moment. "Put him in the brig, Tuvok," she spat. There was a moment of quiet, a moment of almost-hesitation that seemed to drag time to an utter standstill. Three pairs of eyes met and held, two brown, one blue. One overtly calm, one anguished, one on fire. And then Tuvok spoke.

"I'm afraid I must disobey that order, Captain," he said quietly, folding his hands in front of him.

"You-what?" she sputtered. Chakotay exchanged a glance with Tuvok.

"We're in this together," he said. "All of the senior staff." Kathryn's face went white, and then in a lightning move, her phaser was in her hand. Despite himself, Chakotay retreated a step.

"Captain, I must inform you that we took the necessary precaution of temporarily disabling all weapons in this room," Tuvok announced. "Your phaser has been rendered useless." Tuvok stepped towards her, his hand outstretched.

"Not like this it hasn't!" she snarled, and then she swung her arm upwards, using the momentum to slam the weapon into Tuvok's face. He staggered, blood instantly seeping from a gash across his cheek, as the phaser clattered to the floor behind him. Kathryn moved toward the door, her hand reaching for her commbadge, but Chakotay caught her fingers in his, managing to rip the device off her uniform. She clawed at him, but he stood behind her, clamping her arms tightly to her sides, carefully gauging how much pressure to use. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. She continued to struggle in his grip.

"Kathryn," he pleaded, "please don't make this any harder than it already is."

She exploded, catching him off guard, and suddenly she was right in his face, yelling at him like she'd never yelled at him before.

"Don't make this any harder? _Don't make this any harder? _Don't you dare try to play your guilt off on me, Chakotay! Don't you dare!" she bellowed, her lips a mere fraction of a space from his. "_This is wrong and you know it_!"

"Kathryn," he said, struggling to breathe. He was feeling dizzy from her anger, his self-doubt, _her closeness._

"Commander, I believe it is time," Tuvok said. He calmly walked over to the struggling pair and slipped a hand to the niche between Kathryn's neck and shoulder. She immediately slumped in Chakotay's grasp, and he gently lowered her to the ground. His hand unconsciously strayed to her wrist, checking for a pulse, and he smoothed an errant hair that had fallen across her cheek.

"She will be fine, Commander," Tuvok assured him, although Chakotay could not discern whether he spoke out of compassion or impatience. The Vulcan strode over to Kathryn's desk and swung the console to face him. He tapped in several command sequences then studied the results for a moment. A slight chirping noise emanated from the computer, and Tuvok nodded.

"Ensign Kim has input the programming," he remarked. "It should begin…now."

Instantly, the familiar whine of the alien intrusions filled his ears. Chakotay winced, even though he knew it was only a simulation. The Ready Room went dim to showcase the flashing red lights, and Harry's panicked voice issued from Kathryn's commbadge on the floor.

"Kim to Janeway! The aliens have returned! Fissures have opened on Decks 1, 3 and 11!"

Tuvok swung his phaser and shot randomly into the air, blackening the walls and furniture in random locations.

Chakotay drew a deep breath and shouted, "Captain! Look out!"

Tuvok increased his phaser fire, and Chakotay joined him.

"Tuvok to Ensign Kim," Tuvok called above the shriek of the weapons. "Send out another energy pulse along the deflector dish!" The whining abruptly halted.

"It worked, Tuvok." Harry's voice, jubilant. "The aliens have withdrawn to their realm."

"Excellent work, Ensign. Did we take damage to the shields?"

"No, sir. Shields are still at maximum."

"Maintain course for the Equinox. And alert Sickbay that Captain Janeway was injured in the attack. I'm initiating a site-to-site transport. Tuvok out."

Both men watched silently as the transporter beam engaged, and Kathryn's still form shimmered out of existence. Chakotay's throat ached, and he found himself unable to control the trembling in his fingers.

"Our plan has been executed admirably thus far," Tuvok commented. Chakotay gave a rueful laugh.

"All that's left is to rescue Seven of Nine, convince Ransom that what he's doing is wrong, and try to talk the nucleogenic aliens out of destroying us all," he responded wryly.

_And repair whatever relationship I might have left with Kathryn._

"All in a day's work, Commander," the Vulcan replied, and this time Chakotay was absolutely certain he caught a slight quirk in the man's set lips before Tuvok turned and left the Ready Room.

Chakotay stood still, his eyes taking in the room before him, this place that bespoke so thoroughly of Kathryn. Her coffee cup occupied its customary spot next to the computer console. A leather-bound book had been perched neatly on the table next to the couch. A precarious stack of PADDs clung to the edge of the desk. But even without the physical evidence, there was no doubt that something of Kathryn, intangible yet ubiquitous, remained in the room. It was hers. And he could never make it his own so he surrendered to that certainty and headed for his office.

He paused for a moment in the doorway, his gaze once again caressing the familiar details his mind already knew so well. Then he unexpectedly encountered his own eyes, staring at him from a holopic on the table. It was where the picture of Kathryn, Mark, and Molly had stood for so many years. When had she taken it away, to be replaced by a picture of the two of them standing shoulder-to-shoulder, smiling at something in the distance, a rare moment of relaxation on some planet they had encountered several months ago?

And why hadn't he noticed it before?

"I'm sorry, Kathryn," he whispered to the empty room. "I'm _so_ sorry."

_To be continued…_


	4. Chapter 4

The Best of Intentions

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. are owned by Paramount.

Chapter Four

Chakotay trudged to the bridge on reluctant feet. He had just received an urgent hail from Harry informing him that they were nearly within range of the Equinox.

Still, Chakotay found himself simply standing, unmoving, on the threshold of the bridge entrance, and had to mentally brace himself to even have the strength to cross to the command level. He sat down, in Kathryn's chair, and was immediately assaulted by the faint smell of her perfume that clung to the material, the coffee stain on the carpet between their seats, and the fact that the chair had molded over time to cradle her smaller frame. He shifted uncomfortably for a moment then gave up and moved to his usual seat, trying to disregard the several pairs of eyes that had scrutinized his vacillation. Tom's gaze was the keenest, studying him with an intensity that felt almost unbearable.

Chakotay knew exactly what the pilot was thinking. It was the same thing he himself was thinking, a ceaseless litany that had been stampeding through his mind since the second Kathryn had crumpled to the floor of her Ready Room.

_After all that had happened, after all the ways he had vowed to fix Kathryn's wrongs, when it all came down to it—what would he do? what direction would he take? _

_And would his choices be any better?_

"Commander, we have a visual on the Equinox," Harry announced from Ops. His voice was sharp, almost too loud. Chakotay jumped, startled, and shook his mind free of his trepidation.

"Onscreen," he ordered.

His mouth was dry, and the sudden image of the Equinox filling the viewscreen did nothing to ease his tension. Voyager had participated in many battles in the Delta Quadrant. She had been pounded and battered by alien weapon fire, nearly destroyed on more than one occasion. Chakotay had seen the bridge in shambles, with consoles on fire, crewman sprawled across the decks, and one hell of an angry captain shouting orders and demanding updates in rapid-fire sequence. He had been privy to information regarding hull breaches, near warp core explosions, and a myriad of other unsightly and potentially fatal wounds to the ship he called home. But he couldn't recall ever seeing Voyager reflected on a viewscreen the way the Equinox was right now, and the sight of it nearly stole the breath from his lungs.

The immensity of the damage was heartbreaking. Battle scars, jagged and black, crisscrossed the dull gray plating. Here and there the internal environment of the Equinox peeked through massive gashes in the hull. The warp nacelles were partially dimmed, and there was evidence of more than one hasty refitting of the weapons array. And Chakotay prayed silently to every spirit in the universe that Voyager would not end up in the same ragged condition by the time this was all over.

"I believe they are heading for a class two nebula approximately one light year from our current position," Tuvok stated.

"Hiding again," Chakotay muttered. "It seems to be a recurring theme."

"I beg your pardon?" Tuvok inquired.

"Nothing," Chakotay snapped, suddenly annoyed at the Vulcan's sensitive hearing. "We need to stop them before they reach it. Our sensors won't be able to penetrate through the energy distortions. Hail them, Mr. Kim."

"They're not responding to the hail," Harry said after a brief interval. And then, without warning, the Equinox rounded in their direction, and Chakotay could clearly see the menacing visage of the ship outlined against the star-strewn background.

"Commander, they're changing position. Heading right for us at maximum impulse!" Tom cried.

"Red Alert! Ready all weapons. Shields at maximum," Chakotay said. He fingers gripped the arms of the chair.

"They are firing torpedoes," Tuvok announced, and the ship lurched beneath the barrage.

"Direct hit to the port shields!" Harry cried. "They're holding!"

"Tuvok, return fire. Take out their weapons array." Several rounds of phaser blasts penetrated the blackness of space, exploding upon impact with the smaller ship.

"Status?" Chakotay demanded.

"Their weapons are still functional," Harry reported. "But their shield grid is down to 83 percent efficiency."

"At what stage will the aliens be able to penetrate their shields, Tuvok?"

"I am uncertain, Commander," Tuvok replied, and Chakotay sighed.

"Hail them, Mr. Kim." He waited impatiently. One heartbeat, two.

"No response." Chakotay found himself leaning forward expectantly, desperately, his fingers digging into the armrest.

"Again."

"They're launching another photon torpedo," Tuvok said. "Full power to the forward shields. Brace for impact."

"Not exactly the response I was hoping for," Chakotay murmured. The ship rocked yet again, this time more violently, and several minor explosions protested from various consoles on the bridge. The fire suppression system kicked in, immediately extinguishing the blazes.

"Commander, there are hull breaches on Decks 3 and 4!" Harry yelled above the din.

"Shield status!" Chakotay snapped.

"Shields are at maximum, Commander." Harry sounded perplexed.

"How could the torpedoes just penetrate our shields like that?" B'Elanna demanded from her station on the bridge, fuming and breathless.

"Unknown," Tuvok replied. "I suggest we move out of range."

"Agreed," Chakotay said. "Tom, get us out of here! Now! Tuvok, set the shield frequencies to a rotating pattern. And let's just hope that was a lucky guess on their part." The pilot's fingers flew over the control panel in front of him, but even his alacrity was too slow to avoid the next contingent of torpedoes that slammed into the ship. This time several members of the bridge crew were hurled violently. Chakotay just managed to hang on to his chair and was already scrolling through data on the console beside him.

"Commander, those torpedoes went right through our shields again! Weapon systems and warp drive are down! Hull breaches on three more decks!" Harry's voice was panicked, and he clung to his station, blood dripping from a slash above his left eye.

"I don't understand," B'Elanna growled, hurling Klingon invectives at the console before her. She slammed her hand onto the control panel. "They're slicing right through, like the shields aren't even there. How could they-" Her tirade was halted by Harry's next words.

"Commander, I'm reading weapons fire," Harry announced tensely. "It's coming from…Sickbay?"

Chakotay launched to his feet. What the _hell_? "Chakotay to Sickbay! " Silence. "Doctor, respond!"

Silence yet again, and suddenly, inexplicably, Chakotay felt fear race down his spine.

"Commander, an unauthorized transport is being attempted from Sickbay," Harry reported. His fingers danced along the panel in front of him. "Someone's trying to transport over to the Equinox!" Chakotay cursed and slammed his palm against his thigh.

"Tom, get us out of transporter range. Maximum impulse!" he growled. "Ensign, block that transport!"

"I am attempting to, Commander," Harry called out. "But they're continuing to match our shield frequencies. The transporter beam is slicing right through just like the torpedoes."

"Commander, the Equinox is firing again." Tuvok's voice issued from tactical.

"Return fire! They'll have to bring their shields down to transport. Use that moment, Tuvok!" Chakotay heard the words leave his mouth and almost shuddered at the waves of panic and anger that were freely coursing through his body. He unaccountably felt like an unwritten history was about to repeat itself.

"Commander! The power grid in Sickbay is overloading!" Harry said frantically. "I'm trying to contain it from here, but I think the systems have been damaged!" Voices swirled around Chakotay, an almost tangible tenseness in the air, but he felt oddly removed. His body was on the bridge, but his mind was firmly entrenched five decks below. He shoved aside his lingering hesitation.

"I'm going to Sickbay. Tom, you're with me!" Chakotay bellowed. Somewhere in the background, he was cognizant of Tuvok's protests, of something quite near him exploding with ferocity, and of Tom's unsteady footsteps beside him as the ship stumbled sideways then righted itself with uncharacteristic difficulty.

"Inertial dampers are offline. Switching to backup." Harry's voice. A shout, a scream, as something else went up in flames.

And then Chakotay stopped, turning to survey the wreckage of the bridge before him, the specter of the Equinox framed by the viewscreen, mocking him with its imperfection.

"Tuvok, get those weapons back online," he said in a tightly controlled voice. "And bring down their shields." Then he initiated the site-to-site transport.

He and Tom rematerialized in the hallway outside of Sickbay, staggering as another blast of weapons fire caught and destabilized the ship. Chakotay grabbed Tom's arm and half-dragged him through the doors. The Doctor was standing near one of the wall consoles, one hand rapidly entering commands.

His other hand held a phaser to Kathryn's head.

"Doctor, what-" Chakotay felt like his rage was strangling him, and Kathryn's eyes met his with an emotion he couldn't name. She thrashed against the Doctor's grip, but his holographic arm was unmoved.

"No need for concern, Commander," the Doctor said. "Your captain just became a little too interested in what I was doing. But don't be alarmed. I'll take good care of her. After all, she will be a definite asset to the Equinox crew. From what I hear, Seven of Nine is being most…unhelpful. And now I must return to my ship."

Then Chakotay heard the familiar whirring of a transporter beam.

"Kathryn!" The scream tore from his throat as he barreled towards them, his arms outstretched in a gesture that was as desperate as it was futile. As it was, he was merely in time to half-catch the last vestiges of her form shimmering out of existence.

He stopped, hands thudding to his sides, mouth open in wordless exclamation. And then he turned and slammed his open palm into the wall—once, twice—feeling the pain thunder through his body and drench his spirit.

"Commander," Tom Paris was at his side, his hand on Chakotay's shoulder, his eyes wide. "What's going on?" Chakotay turned to glare at him for a moment, carefully reaping his thoughts from the swirl of his emotions. His eyes were murderous.

"Ransom," he spat.

Nothing else needed to be said.

_To be continued…_


	5. Chapter 5

The Best of Intentions

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. are owned by Paramount.

Chapter Five

"Report!" Chakotay ordered as he strode furiously onto the bridge. Harry's head snapped up, and he peered at Chakotay with an indefinable expression.

"Sir, the Equinox is under attack." Chakotay's knees buckled, and he grabbed the nearest console to prevent himself from hitting the floor.

"Commander?" Harry was instantly at his side. "Are you all right?"

"Kathryn." It was the only thing he could think of to say.

And then Tuvok was in front of him, gripping his shoulders tightly.

"What happened in Sickbay, Commander?" The cool wash of the Vulcan's voice was bracing, and Chakotay mustered his strength.

"The Doctor from the Equinox. He has the mobile emitter, and he beamed back to the ship with the Captain." Harry's face went white.

"Sir, the Equinox's shields went down a few minutes ago. The aliens began attacking them immediately." Harry's voice was hoarse. "We managed to beam off a few of the crew members, but…"

Chakotay opened his mouth to speak, but Harry held up a hand.

"It wasn't us, Commander. It appeared to be an internal command that brought the shielding offline." Harry broke off, fidgeting with the console in front of him and avoiding Chakotay's eyes. "Sir, the Equinox has taken heavy damage. I don't see how anyone aboard could have…survived." He looked at his commanding officer with pleading eyes.

"Commander." It was Tuvok, who had moved back to his station and was studying the display in front of him. "The aliens have broken off their attack and appear to have returned to their realm."

"Life signs?" Chakotay asked, his heart twisting painfully.

"I am unable to determine that. There is too much systems damage interfering with the sensors."

Chakotay straightened. "Tuvok, B'Elanna, you're with me. Can you beam us directly to the ship or do we need to take a shuttle, Ensign?" Harry hesitated.

"Sir, the transporter beam is functional, but there's a warp core breach in progress on the Equinox," he began.

"How long do we have?"

"Maybe five minutes." Chakotay looked at B'Elanna who nodded, a supply kit already in her hand.

"That's enough. Beam me directly to engineering."

"Send Tuvok to Sickbay," Chakotay ordered. "And beam me to the bridge. Weapons at the ready, everyone."

The familiar tingle of the transporter beam settled over him, its sparkle fading the ruins of the bridge into oblivion. When he rematerialized onto the Equinox, the red alert klaxons were blaring. Smoke and debris were everywhere. The bridge was a lifeless expanse of rubble, with the desiccated remains of several crew members sprawled on the floor. Chakotay gingerly stepped over the bodies and headed into the corridor beyond.

He pulled out his tricorder, but the haze of electromagnetic interference from the damage to the ship along with residual nucleogenic particles made the readings erratic. After several frustrating seconds attempting to recalibrate the device, Chakotay gave up and instead raced down the corridors, heedless of the broken bulkheads and buckled floor plating beneath his feet.

"Kathryn! Kathryn, where are you?" His voice didn't carry, it couldn't. There was too much smoke and hissing electrical equipment and emotion clogging his throat. His commbadge chirped.

"Tuvok to Commander Chakotay. I have located the Doctor and Seven of Nine. I am preparing to transport them back to Voyager." Tuvok's voice sounded muffled.

"Acknowledged," he responded. "Are they all right?" Tuvok paused for a split second before answering, and Chakotay's heart began to thud.

"Seven is injured," he said. "However, I have managed to download the Doctor into his mobile emitter and repair the...alterations...made to his programming."

"And the doctor from the Equinox?"

"Let's just say that threat has been…eliminated," exulted a familiar voice, and Chakotay managed a grin.

"Excellent work, Doctor," he praised. "I'll see you back on Voyager. Chakotay to Torres."

"Torres here." The engineer's words mingled with an increasing background of static.

"I haven't been able to locate the Captain yet. Any possibility of getting the internal sensors online, B'Elanna?"

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. The last alien attack pretty much destroyed most of the computer command processes. There's so much damage that the backup systems won't even engage, although I have managed to stabilize the warp core. At least for the moment. But I'd estimate we have less than fifteen minutes before we need to get Voyager as far away from here as possible."

"What about using the targeting scanners from Voyager?"

"It's hard to tell. As soon as I'm back on the ship, I'll attempt to lock onto Captain Janeway's lifesigns. But without her communicator, our options are limited. The damage to the ship's systems is causing high levels of interference. Establishing a clear lock will be difficult, if not impossible."

"Just do it," Chakotay said fiercely. "That's an order!" He slammed his hand down on his commbadge, ending the communication, and continued sprinting down the hallways. He pulled out his tricorder again, resetting it to scan for human lifesigns and hoping that proximity would boost its output. The device beeped sporadically and each time his heart would leap, only to plummet once again as the noise abruptly ceased. He climbed up and down ladders, squeezed through Jefferies tubes, and stumbled through corridor after corridor, wondering if somewhere along the line he had gotten hopelessly lost and was going in circles. After all, the Equinox wasn't that big of a vessel.

And then he rounded what seemed like the same corner for the hundredth time and stopped, almost toppling backwards into a gaping hole in the deckplating, as a support beam plummeted from the ceiling and crashed to the floor directly in front of him. He stood unmoving, barely breathing, for a very long moment.

And then his tricorder went crazy.

The high-pitched chirping was almost anachronous in the crashing overture of the ceiling collapse. He stared unseeingly at the screen, mashing away the sweat that was dripping into his eyes. It read two lifesigns, both human, both very faint, ten meters ahead of him. Chakotay took a deep breath and launched himself over the pile of rubble.

He came crashing down on the other side, falling to one knee, feeling the cracked metal below him slice through his uniform and the skin beneath. He swore savagely and staggered to an upright position, grasping a bulkhead beside him. He limped a few steps forward, and then he saw it. A slice of red penetrating the dull gray of destruction, a scant few meters in front of him.

"Kathryn!" he yelled, his feet pounding and clanging against the ruined floor. He skidded to a halt in front of a door—or rather, half of one. The metal structure had been nearly sheared off and it hung limply, partially shielding the figure that lay on the ground in the threshold.

In one swift movement, Chakotay ripped off the remaining door plate and flung it to the side. He knelt beside the figure below, reaching his hand out to turn the bloodied face.

And realized it was Rudy Ransom.

An anger that Chakotay believed he had long ago exorcised came rushing up in him. He grasped Ransom's shoulders and shook him. The captain of Equinox opened his eyes, which had very little life remaining in their cold gray depths. His breathing was shallow and rasping.

"Where is she?" Chakotay demanded, spittle flying from his mouth and hitting the dying man's face. "What did you do to her?" He roughly shook him again. Ransom moaned slightly, his cracked lips parting. Chakotay had no compassion for the man's pain and whipped his phaser from his belt. He held it to Ransom's throat.

"_Where is she_?" he roared, and the man flinched.

"Th…there." He tilted his head to indicate the room beyond them. "The aliens…save...her…" Blood began to trickle from between his lips. He drew one last shuddering breath and then went silent. Chakotay stared at him for a moment, horrified by what had just happened, by the situation, _by what he had just done._ And then he gently laid Ransom on the floor and stepped over the inert body into the shattered room beyond.

Through the dim smokiness of the room, Chakotay saw the figure huddled in a far corner, curled up in obvious pain against the wall. He ran over to her and knelt down, running his tricorder up and down her body. The list of injuries scrolling across the screen were too numerous for him to process and so he dropped the device and took her limp form in his arms.

"Kathryn? Kathryn, please, can you hear me?" Chakotay cradled her head in his lap. She was still, far too still for his liking, and his heart pounded. And then he caught a flicker of movement, a slight tremble of her lips.

"Kathryn?" he said again. He bent his head to her and felt lightheaded as he caught a wisp of breath against his face. And then finally heard her voice.

"Cha…ko…tay…" Her eyes fluttered for a second then quieted, as if speaking his name was an act that required the whole of her strength.

"I'm right here, Kathryn," he murmured.

"Ran…som…" Her voice was fraught with fear, and her eyes were suddenly wide.

"He's dead," he said softly. "He won't be able to hurt you any more."

"No!" The cry flew from her mouth, and she shook her head, struggling in a futile effort to sit up. "Mutiny… aliens attacked…Ransom…saved me…" Her frantic eyes met Chakotay's, and his breath fled from his body. Ransom had traded his life for Kathryn's.

_Spirits, what had he done…_

Tears filled Kathryn's beautiful blue eyes and spilled down her battered cheeks, and he found himself blinking hard.

"I'm going to get you back to the ship. The Doctor will-"

"Doc…tor," she gasped. "Not…ours."

"I know," he said soothingly. "But our Doctor is back on Voyager now."

"Sev...en?" Her voice was even fainter, her lips taut in a face that was a study in contrasts. Pale, yet bloody, angry with bruises and abrasions yet almost porcelain in sheen.

"Her, too." Kathryn's hand traveled weakly up to touch his arm. He cradled it in his own, his fingers softly stroking hers. Her eyes opened wide, searchingly, pleadingly, for a long moment. Chakotay felt his stomach flip.

"I…was…wrong…" she breathed. Her eyes fell shut.

"We both were," he said, and then, finally, he began to cry.

_To be continued…_


	6. Chapter 6

The Best of Intentions

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. are owned by Paramount.

Chapter Six

Chakotay stood silently in the briefing room with his back to the viewport, unconsciously assuming Kathryn's position from only days before. He listened while she conducted an intense chorus on human unworthiness to the remaining members of the Equinox crew standing in a tense line before her. Her eyes were hard, her voice like steel, and he shivered with the thought that eventually his dressing down would also take place.

"You are hereby stripped of rank. You'll be expected to serve as crewmen on this vessel. Your privileges will be limited. And you'll serve under close supervision for as long as I deem fit." She paused for a moment to search their eyes one last time. "This time, you'll have to earn our trust. Dismissed." The subdued group exited, accompanied by three security officers, and Tuvok began to follow.

Then the Vulcan appeared to change his mind and halted.

"Captain Janeway," he began, in a voice that Chakotay had never heard him use. But before he could continue, Kathryn was standing in front of him, her eyes an intense blue. Tuvok was looking at her with something akin to apprehension, but when her hand came up to gently clasp his shoulder, Chakotay saw him actually _relax_ into her touch.

"Return to your station, Mr. Tuvok," she said. "I'll join you for a cup of tea when we both get off duty."

The Vulcan nodded, his back straightening almost imperceptibly, and left.

Kathryn watched Tuvok go. Then she turned towards him. "Chakotay," she murmured, tilting her head. He nodded and followed her into the Ready Room. He felt each footstep reverberate with a hollow thud, a drum roll announcing the demise of everything he had ever fought for, everything he had ever _loved_, on this ship.

Kathryn sat at her desk and motioned for him to take the chair in front of her. He sat. They were both quiet for several moments, their eyes tentatively meeting then flickering away over and over again.

"I've decided to let the logs stand as they are," Kathryn finally said. "The captain of this ship was incapacitated during an alien attack. Her first officer assumed command in her absence."

Chakotay released a breath he hadn't even known he was holding. He opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head, her eyes telling him in no uncertain terms to back off. He sighed and bit his lip, waiting for what was sure to come next.

There was silence for a moment, a half-yearned for, half-dreaded expectancy that breathed from the very walls. And then she spoke.

"Unfortunately, there is also an intensely personal side of this matter, Chakotay, as much as I wish there weren't."

He nodded, resigned.

"You once told me that you would stand beside me, that you would do whatever you could to make my burdens lighter." She looked away, her lips trembling slightly, and he swallowed hard.

"Yes," he whispered. "And I've always tried to do just that."

"I know."

And then she met his gaze. And it wasn't the anger, the rampant sense of betrayal, or even the stirrings of self-doubt that broke him in the end—it was the ruin in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn," he said sadly, looking back at her. "I hope you know I had the best of intentions."

She didn't answer, just rose from her chair and walked silently over to the viewport, so he stood and slowly began to walk away. But he stopped at the threshold, suddenly finding that he couldn't breathe, couldn't move.

Then he heard her voice.

"Chakotay." It was quiet and heartbreakingly raw. But it was still there.

He turned, and their eyes met, held. And then the world coalesced into a million rushing colors, and they were moving towards one another as if they had never been apart. Her arms were crushing him against her, and he found himself wrapping her just as tightly. Their breathing was uneven, the tears hidden as they pressed into one another. Neither of them spoke. And then Kathryn finally pulled away.

"Dismissed, Commander," she whispered.

"Aye, Captain," he said, and the last thing he saw before the door slid shut before him was the faintest hint of a smile on Kathryn's face.

The End


End file.
